Healthy Self-Esteem: Remembering You Have Inherent Worth

Intro

We live in a culture that rewards performance, appearance, and approval. But beneath all that striving, many of us quietly wonder: Am I enough?

That question reveals the heart of our struggle with self-esteem. 

Most people swing between feeling "less than" (self-criticism, shame) and "better than" (judgment, superiority). Both come from forgetting a simple truth: your worth isn't earned—it's inherent.

What Is Healthy Self-Esteem?

Healthy self-esteem means knowing you have inherent worth and value simply because you exist.

It's not dependent on how much you achieve, how others see you, or how you perform.

The late therapist Pia Mellody describes this kind of self-worth as an internal experience—a felt warmth in the heart, expressed through respectful and loving care for oneself.

When esteem comes from external sources, it becomes fragile.

• Other-based esteem: "I'm valuable because you love me."

• Attribute-based esteem: "I'm valuable because of what I own or how I look."

• Performance-based esteem: "I'm valuable because I win or achieve."

True self-esteem is quiet and steady—it doesn't fluctuate with the approval or opinions of others.

The Two Faces of Unhealthy Self-Esteem

When we lose touch with our inherent worth, we often find ourselves in one of two positions we call: "one down" or "one up."

The "One Down" Position: Feeling Less Than

In this state, we turn our pain inward. We believe something's wrong with us. We over-apologize, constantly compare ourselves, and shy away from challenges.

A daily journal exercise from therapist Jan Bergstrom illustrates this beautifully. When someone can't answer a question, they might think,"That person's smarter than me." Their body tightens, they feel shame, and they withdraw. The healing moment comes when they breathe and remind themselves: "I have inherent worth. I'm not perfect, but my worth is not up for debate."

The "One Up" Position: Feeling Better Than

This is the flip side of the same coin—judging or blaming others to avoid feeling small.

It might sound like, "If everyone did it my way…" or "I can't believe those people…"

In Pia Mellody and Terry Real's framework, this is referred to as "grandiosity," the opposite of toxic shame. Both are fueled by contempt—one directed inward, one outward.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward regaining balance.

How Childhood Shapes Self-Esteem

Unhealthy self-esteem often starts early. Pia Mellody describes two primary forms of relational trauma that shape how we see ourselves.

• Disempowering abuse: Makes the child feel "less than" or powerless.

• Falsely empowering abuse: Puts the child "above" others, leading to superiority.

Both teach that worth is conditional, and both block true intimacy and self-love.

In adulthood, these experiences often resurface as the same "better than" or "worse than" swings that show up in relationships, careers, and parenting.

The Practice of "Same As"

The antidote to both grandiosity and shame is the simple practice of "same as."

Remember: no one is fundamentally better or worse than anyone else.

.When you feel critical, pause and ask, "What's my part in this?"

When you feel ashamed, remind yourself, "I'm human, and humans make mistakes."

This shift brings you back to connection—with yourself, with others, and with reality.

4 Daily Practices to Build Healthy Self-Esteem

1. Name your "less than" moments. Notice when you feel inadequate. Write down what triggered it, what you felt, and how you reacted. Awareness builds choice.

2. Affirm your inherent worth. Practice saying: "I have value because I exist." Feel it in your body, even if briefly.

3. Contain your "better than" energy. When you feel judgment rising, breathe and remind yourself: same as.

4. Act respectfully toward yourself. Self-esteem grows when your behavior matches your worth—setting boundaries, keeping promises to yourself, and practicing self-care.

Final Reflection

Healthy self-esteem isn't about becoming confident or flawless. It's about remembering you were never broken.

When you anchor in that truth—that you have inherent worth—you stop chasing approval and start showing up in your relationships as an equal. Not one down. Not one up. Just same as.