Practicing Kind Awareness: A Gentle Shift That Changes Everything
There's a simple practice we keep coming back to in therapy. It's not flashy. It doesn't promise quick relief.
But it creates a compassionate relationship with ourselves when we learn to stay with it gently.
We refer to it as kind awareness—the practice of observing what's going on inside us with curiosity rather than judgment.
If that sounds simple, you're not wrong. But simple doesn't mean easy, especially when we're struggling.
The Voice That Shows Up When We're Down
When we feel depressed or anxious, our thoughts often turn against us. That inner voice can become harsh.
"It's my fault."
"Something's wrong with me."
"I should be better by now."
The hardest part? We often believe those thoughts, especially when we're in pain. But therapy encourages us to do something different: instead of diving into that critical voice, we notice it.
We become curious.
Where is this thought coming from?
Where do I feel it in my body?
How long has it been here, or, we sometimes say, how old is this feeling?
And we do this gently, not with judgment, but with kindness. Healing rarely occurs when we're in conflict with ourselves.
What If Nothing Is "Wrong" With You?
That might seem like a radical statement. But one of the kindest things we can learn to believe is this:
You're not better or worse than anyone else. You're human. And that's okay.
We all feel bad sometimes — sad, numb, anxious, restless, or low. Usually, when we feel bad, we also think we should be feeling something different.
"I shouldn't be this upset."
"This is the wrong time for me to feel bad..."
"I should be able to just get out of it."
All those "shoulds" add to our suffering. As Brene Brown states, we often:
Should all over ourselves.
Kind awareness encourages us to do the opposite.
We stop pushing the feeling away. We breathe. We stay. And by doing so, we begin to accept our experience without feeling the need to fix it.
Brene Brown also says that we can't selectively numb emotions.
We can't hold the anxiousness and restlessness while just keeping the joy. If we try to numb selectively, like with alcohol, we numb everything, even our happiness.
Bringing in the Inner Child
One practice we often guide clients through is called inner child dialogue. It's not just an exercise — it's a gentle way to give yourself the compassion that you might not have received while growing up.
Imagine you're having a tough day. You feel overwhelmed or ashamed.
Instead of trying to push through, pause. Visualize that feeling as a much younger part of yourself. Maybe a small child who simply wants to be seen.
Now, picture your current self—a compassionate, kind adult—turning toward that child and saying:
"There's nothing wrong with you. You're doing your best. And I love you."
You might even place a hand over your heart or breathe softly into that image. This isn't about fixing anything. It's about showing up with presence.
That presence is the healing.
A practice, not a quick fix
I wish it were quick and easy.
It's challenging as we turn towards parts of ourselves that we may not wish to look at.
However, those parts of us that we avoid do need our attention and eventually love.
Kind awareness is not a technique to get rid of pain.
It's a way to be in a relationship with it. To stop treating our feelings like enemies and instead greet them like visitors—with curiosity, humility, and patience.
I'm inspired by Rumi's poem called "The Guest House." You can read it at the link.
Sometimes the feelings pass quickly. Sometimes they linger. But over time, you'll notice something important: They come and go, and you are human and imperfect, and that's OK.